The Thought That Counts : Episode 18 - Anger and Anger Management

Robin Hills (Director, Ei4Change) has been asked to contribute a series of bite-sized, inspirational soundbites for Bolton FM.

Featured every day for a week as The Thought that Counts, these were broadcast on the Breakfast Show and on the Lunchtime Show.

This podcast explores anger and anger management:

• Emotional triggers
• Impulsive behaviour
• Responding rather than reacting 
• Using anger positively
• Being angry, being disappointed 

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Transcript

0:15

Here are my latest contributions to my local radio station's "The Thought That Counts" slot, which is broadcast on The Breakfast Show and The Lunchtime Show over a period of a week. Each broadcast lasts about 90 seconds. My contributions are all based around some aspect of emotional intelligence and resilience. I've put my contributions together as hints and tips in this podcast. On this occasion, my reflections explore anger and anger management, covering emotional triggers, impulsive behaviour, responding rather than reacting, using anger positively, and being angry, being disappointed. I hope that you enjoy the podcast and these "The Thought That Counts". The Thought That Counts."Anyone can become angry, that's easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way, that's not easy." That was said by Aristotle back in ancient Greece. Emotional management and emotional regulation was recognised at least two and a half thousand years ago, and we still can't get it right today. You have to accept that you're in charge of your feelings. Your emotions and behaviour come directly from you. It's not hereditary. You can try to understand the events, words, phrases, situations or combination of things that trigger a negative emotional reaction in you. Your triggers are conditioned by your life's experiences, and what constitutes a trigger for one person may have absolutely no effect on someone else. Being aware of your triggers means that you can avoid them or be more conscious of times when they're activated. You can then take steps to avoid reacting and behaving in negative ways. When you're conscious of what can get you angry, it becomes easier for you to avoid these instances. You then know how to react when faced with situations that would normally make you uncomfortable, offended, upset or angry since you're already prepared for it. When you learn to manage what triggers you, it no longer controls you. The Thought That Counts. How good are you at controlling your impulses and your impulsive behaviour? You may think that you're capable of controlling these very well, but are you looking at your mobile phone or tablet as you're listening to this? Wherever I go in the world, many people seem to be surgically attached to their mobile devices, lessening their awareness of what else is going on around them. Our mobile devices are great communication tools that enhance our social connection. Because smartphones and other devices give information and entertainment rapidly, they can make us less patient with real conversation with people in our lives. How often do you look at your device when you're out socialising with family and friends? Think through the consequences on those around you when you choose to look at your phone. Sensation seeking is a part of impulsive behaviour and is positively associated with mobile phone dependence, which can lead to addiction. Try to have at least an hour a day when you deliberately and consciously make an effort not to look at your mobile device. For some of you it will be very hard, if not impossible, but consider this as an addiction. When you can stop, you don't want to. And when you want to stop, you can't. The Thought That Counts. Have you ever said something that you didn't mean or reacted in a way that you later regretted? If the answer to this question is "No", tell me your secret. If it's "Yes", welcome to the human race. There's a profound difference between reacting or responding to a situation. Reactions are driven by emotion. They're instantaneous and instinctive. They happen on autopilot and stem from the subconscious part of our minds. A reaction is survival-orientated and, on some level, a defence mechanism. When you react, you say things or do things without considering the consequences. Responses, on the other hand, are more considered and are more mindful of the desired outcome of the interaction. When you respond to a situation, you take a moment to think about the implications of your words or behaviours before you say them out loud or do them. A reaction and a response may look exactly alike, but they feel different. The point is that the more reacting we do, the less empowered we are. Between stimulus and response, there's a space and in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth, our empowerment and our freedom. It takes 6 seconds to manage our anger. It takes 6 seconds to create compassion. It takes 6 seconds to change the world. The Thought That Counts. Emotions are like nudges to remind us of what's important. There's intelligence in emotions and intelligence can be brought to emotions. Anger is so often considered to be a so called negative emotion. However, there's no such thing as positive and negative emotions. Emotions are emotions. They're neither positive nor negative. It's your reaction to the emotion and how you behave that's either positive or negative. Feelings of anger arise due to how we interpret and react to certain situations. Anger is a natural response to perceived threats - when we feel frustrated or powerless, when we're being invalidated or treated unfairly. It's natural to experience anger if someone transgresses one of our core values. In day-to-day situations, anger serves as a positive force to motivate us to stand up for ourselves and creatively find solutions to the challenges that we face. There are many ways to get angry, but anger has the potential to bring about positive change, provided that it doesn't undermine reason. This requires control, managing impulsive reactions and rational reasoning. Don't miss out on the wisdom your emotions have to offer you, but don't let your emotions overcome your wisdom. The Thought That Counts. When someone has badly let you down, it's very easy to get angry with them. Anger is an emotion that most often is the first emotion we feel and that we show outwardly, directed largely at the person involved. Disappointment, however, is a much more personal experience. When we're disappointed, it's because we had an expectation of someone's capability and competence, and they fail to live up to that standard. None of us want to be left behind or forgotten, even when we deserve to be. It's upsetting to realise that someone looked up to you and you've let them down. Disappointment can hurt to the core often because we feel responsible. In healthy environments, disappointment is accompanied by encouragement to do better next time, along with guidance about how to achieve such success. You can help people to improve and grow and support them with tools to turn a situation around in ways that they can use to their advantage by increasing their resilience, motivation and confidence. Sometimes when you get disappointment, it makes you stronger. So next time you feel angry about something, try to express it as disappointment. You remain calm, in control and push the responsibility emotionally onto the other person to ensure that they live up to expectations next time around. I'm Robin Hills from EI4Change. Empowering your Emotional Management.